Eye shades covering my eyes, I find myself in complete tranquility for the first time in my whole life. This was the beginning of my intensive and life changing healing quest. I was a participant in the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) study for treatment-resistant Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
I was a wounded woman with a beautiful, terrified little girl stuck inside of me. I carried her around not knowing how deep her ache and pain went. As I dug deep into my psyche during my MDMA sessions, I came to know ‘‘little Jessi’’ quite well.
During my medicine-assisted session, I had a vision where I could see her quite vividly. She was sitting in a corner of a small bedroom on the floor with her knees to her chest. Her hair was covering her face in attempt to protect her from making eye contact with anyone, including me.
The adult version of me came up and placed my hand on top of hers, letting loving energy flow freely between the two of us. I assured her that as hard and confusing as things were, one day she would find out that eventually things would get better.
When I thought about those words and the promise I had made to my wounded childhood self, I knew that it was time to fight. Fight for that little girl, fight to heal and move forward. This became a fight for me to live fully.
I had found the first step in my healing—knowing that I deserve to heal, knowing that I deserve to feel strong and knowing that I deserve to be in control of my body.
I had been violently sexually abused when I was an infant until I was a late teen. I lacked self-worth and had no self-esteem. I struggled with constant anxiety and flashbacks from the trauma I had endured.
When I promised my child self that she would be okay and safe, I was able to start the healing process and embrace my womanhood. No one had protected her thus far, so it was my chance to do just that. I didn’t need anyone to save me. I could save myself.