According to some completely scientifically proven, systematically tested and well-researched data, semen can help cure women’s depression. However, said semen has to come from sex; you can’t just go to a sperm bank and fill an Rx. You need to, you know, go to the source. Now, we can’t show you an article full of photos of semen (even though you’d probably like that, you pervert), we’ve used some other images proven to alleviate depression in women as well.
All for science. This study should be taken seriously. Think of all the men who donated their time and…resources to this project for the purpose of science.
Safe sex. Of course, it’s never recommended that you engage in oral sex with someone who hasn’t been tested for STDs. So, for the love of god, go get tested, guys! There are some seriously depressed women out there.
How it works. Semen stimulates the frontal cortex. After completion of oral sex, levels of oxytocin are off the chart. Also, your IQ jumps by 10 points.
Handjobs. Handjobs, on the other hand, make you more depressed. So, stay away from the handies unless you want to stay on that Prozac, girls.
Other benefits of semen. One test subject stated that after performing regular blowies on her boyfriend, she no longer needed to wear contact lenses. “Thanks to my boyfriend’s d, my vision is 20/20,” she said.
What the pharmaceutical industry doesn’t want you to know. So, you might be thinking that this “data” sounds completely made up. Why hasn’t it been published in reputable medical journals?
Not profitable. Well, if everyone who takes antidepressants is cured by ingesting semen, pharmaceutical companies are going to be in a lot of trouble. So, of course they don’t want you to know about it.
Corrupt lawmakers. Pharmaceutical execs are incredibly powerful and are definitely in bed with lawmakers. Don’t be surprised if oral sex becomes illegal soon.
Pornstars aren’t depressed. When was the last time you saw a pornstar in a commercial for Zoloft or Effexor? Never! Point proven!
Other uses for semen. Semen can also be used to make children. Go figure.
Male scientists. Interestingly, the scientists who gathered this data are all male. In fact, they all volunteered to be active participants in the study. Now that’s dedication!
Patient testimony. “My life used to be totally meaningless,” said a patient known only as S.K. “But now, thanks to oral sex, I’ve gone back to grad school.”
G.B. “I used to have to take Wellbutrin and Zoloft. Now I just give my boyfriend lots of blowies. Boy, I feel great.”
How do men feel about it? We interviewed one man, Chris, whose girlfriend is being treated for depression. “Well, it’s terribly inconvenient for me to be receiving daily blowjobs. But, I support my girlfriend’s mental health. It’s all about giving.”
Does it work for gay men? We interviewed one gay man, Tim, about whether semen has antidepressant properties. “You guys are a bunch of f*cking idiots.” Thanks, Tim!